My Marquette

To my Bridget Card

The time has come, the walrus said, to move once again. This will be my sixth Marquette apartment in six years.

While moving into a new apartment is always delish and exciting, this time it comes with a teensy bit of sadness too, as I have been living with my friend Bridget for the past nine months. And who would want to live in a ghetto fab apartment with anyone but Bridget? She has protected me from months of loneliness while my James is in A-stan, AND from neighbors crazier than a chicken coop on fire. She understands- and appreciates- the therapeutic magic of ice cream, HGTV, and the words of Ron Swanson. To make it clear how much I will miss her, I have compiled a list of my fave memories of the past few months:

- Two words: granite countertops.
- Megan, all alone in the apartment, hiding from the neighbors under my bed.
- SCARY ransom notes from the neig- waaaait, I mean Cora.
- The only creature that requires more attention than me, Tigger.
- Tigger barfing in your bedroom.
- Christmastime and a gazillion paper snowflakes.
- Sarah Palin's Alaska.
- Every Girl Should be Married!
- And... your subsequent engagement :)
- Snow drifts in front of the mailbox.
- Girlz Weekend 2011, 5,000 Oreos, and snowshoeing Mt. Marquette.
- Bridesmaid dress shopping in the Bay of Green.
- "Eat Arby's Foooooooooodddd... it's GOOOOOD MOOOOOOD FOOOODDDD!"
- Parks and Rec
- Cora: "I STILL OWN YOU BOTH FOR 15 MINUTES!"

I know there's a million more memories I will cherish forever, but this list will suffice as a reminder of the silly times spent in that teeny tiny apartment on Longyear Avenue. Even though it didn't have stainless steel appliances (oh yeah... it didn't have windows in the living room either) it wasn't so bad after all :)

Then...

And now...

Oh... em... shoot.

This week, I was approached after school by an colleague whom I respect very much. This person advised me that it would probably be best if I stopped saying "O-M-G" (or, oh. em. gee!) in front of the kids. I almost laughed because I thought she was joking, until she very seriously told me that it is wrong to take the Lord's name in vain in front of children.

Oh. So she wasn't joking.

I thought I'd be more annoyed, but I'm not because she had a very valid point. I do say the phrase a lot, and I have always thought/intended it to mean "Omigosh!" in a fun, abbreviated form. I don't want people to think I mean any differently, so I decided that very day that I was going to turn this into a personal challenge. Emily Schmitz is officially going to stop abbreviating common words in her vocab, for realz. This means no more...

- Oh. em. gee!
- Fab
- Delish
- Condish
- Comersh
- Profesh
- Loves it
- BF
- Fo' (this is the number four... it comes out a lot when I'm teaching math)

In two days, the kids in my classroom have already caught on to the changes. You should never underestimate the power of observancy in children. They catch on to ev.ery.thing. They notice when I sprout zits, when I need a Diet Coke, or when I'm having a bad day (but that's easy, because my bad days are the ones when I do NOT jump on chairs and serenade them with songs from Glee). This conversation took place yesterday:

Me: "OH. EM... I mean... shoot... OMIGOSH!"
Students: "Why did you do that?"
Me: "Do what?"
Students: "Correct yourself."
Me: "I didn't."
Students: "Yes you did! You said 'omigosh.'
Me: "Um. So?"
... blank stares...

I told them about my personal challenge and that I was finally going to enter adulthood and speak like a professional. They got all philosophical and cute and I felt like I was in a therapy session run by 10-year-olds:

"But Ms. Schmitz, your vocab us what makes YOU, YOU!"
"It's boring when you talk normal."
"Only OLD teachers say full words."

I have to admit, those are insightful things to say. What if my choices of words ARE what makes my personality the way it is? What if I LIKE shortening any words that end with "tioner" or "mmercial" or "ssional" to a "sh?" Is it really so bad? Maybe there won't be a time in my life that I am successful in making changes in my vocabulary. And someday, when I'm an old, crinkled 90-year-old woman, I hope I am still saying that dinner was absolutely DELISH, thank you very much. That would just be fab.

Rambo

Today I am resurrecting a YouTube video taken at my grandparents' farm in the summer of 2008. I still find it flipping hysterical!

Time Machine

Me: "I need to build a time machine before next week."
Student: "For what?"
Me: "Duh. Our classroom colony."
Student: "What do we need to get for it?"
Me: "Well, we need a flux capacitor..."
Student: "And where might we get one of those? I mean, it's not like we can run up to Ace and get one."
Me: "I'll think about it. What kind of fuel should it run on?"
Student: "Well, the time machine in Back to the Future ran on uranium, but you could make it run on Diet Coke!"

Again... daaaang these kids are smart ;)

Wisconsin: The Feeding Trough has Run Dry!

Dear Wisconsin,

Are you all really still crying about losing your collective bargaining "privileges?" And Wisconsin Senate Democrats, did you all REALLY dismiss yourself from work and leave the state to avoid the vote on this important bill? (Let's be clear: you're trying to AVOID voting. Democrats escaping the democratic process... hmmm...) And Governor Scott Walker, where have you been all my life!?

Here are my thoughts, directed especially at Wisconsin teachers: Do us all a grand favor and stop whimpering about your unions breaking up. It's about flipping time. You chose to work in the public sector, so go back to work and perform the service you were hired to do, and that is teaching our nation's children. If you don't like the idea of not being "protected," just do your job well, and you won't have to worry. Lesson of the day: unions cripple education.

During Social Studies one day last week, the kids and I compared and contrasted the mess in Wisconsin to the copper mining union strike of 1913 in Calumet, Michigan. We talked about the need for unions then, and how things are different today. But most of all, in terms that children would understand, we talked about the fact that the states are flipping broke. If the those working in the public sector can tell me how the state can build its economic strength WITHOUT breaking the power of the unions and taking concessions, then I welcome it. The truth is, you can't. One of my little students said, "So this thing in Wisconsin is like if you want to buy something expensive, but you don't have the money to pay for it, so you end up buying it with credit card..."

Workers of Wisconsin, just look at how dang smart these kids are, making the connection. YOUR kids are watching you and the way you're reacting to the current situation. If this bill passes and you take a pay cut and pay a little more into your pension and health benefits, your state- and the future of these children- will be a little more sustainable that it has been. Be responsible adults, learn to live within your means, and set good examples for these kids and the rest of the country.

Sincerely,
Emily Schmitz

P.S. You guys won the Super Bowl and now this? Can you guys just stay out of the news for awhile!?!!

Sarah Palin and Emily Schmitz = BFF! (Almost)

Ladies and Gents! The most amazing, earth-shattering, spectacular thing happened this weekend, at the finish of the Iron Dog snowmobile race in the great state of Alaska. According to Wikipedia, the Iron Dog race is the world's longest off-road snowmobile race that extends 2,000 miles across Alaska. Sarah Palin's husband, Todd, competes in the race every year and is a four-time winner. Loves it!

So how does this story pertain to yours truly? I wasn't there, but my lovely college roommate from freshman year, Bethi, was. She lives in Alaska (lucky duck!) and was waiting at the finish in Fairbanks to watch her cousins's husband win the race. And guess who else was there? My fave Conservative/Tea Partier/former mayor/former governor/Fox News political commentator ever, SARAH PALIN!

The best part was that Bethi was right in front of her! I can only imagine what I would have done if I was standing five feet in front of the most delish politician ever. (When I was in college and Lance Bass came to campus to speak about the music industry, the event people passed me a microphone so I was able to DIRECTLY ask him a question. This prompted me to wig out, flail my arms, hyperventilate, and as a result was barely able to sputter out my words. The worst part was when I read the newspaper the next day and the reporter who covered the event mentioned me in his article, mistakingly assuming that I was 12-years-old. I was 19! Maybe he meant I was acting like I was 12?!) Anyway, the point is, I embarrassingly flipped out that much over a highlighted, gay boy band star from the late '90s. If I was standing in front of Sarah Palin? I would have been dragged away by security, I'm absolutely sure of it.

Bethi (again, that lucky duck!) went up to Sarah and explained that she has a friend who LOVES her, and told her that I even mention that girl-love in my blog address. She asked if she could get a picture, and voila! HERE IT IS! Taken minutes after Bethi mentioned ME, Emily Schmitz, to Sarah flipping Palin. Bethi, thank you soooooo much! (And if you ever run into her again, can you ask if she's looking for a guest star on the second season of Sarah Palin's Alaska?!?!!?!!!)

House Hunters: Double Sinks, Double Annoying

I don't know if I'm the only one, but I find the show House Hunters on HGTV to be absolutely hysterical. In fact, I watch it not because I'm interested in real estate, but because it's always good for a few laughs. If one is not familiar, House Hunters is exactly what the name suggests- it's a show that follows an individual/couple hunting for the perfect house. A realtor shows them three homes, they get all neurotic and dissect every teensy detail of each one, and they choose the best to buy at the end of the show. I think the reason why House Hunters is so wildly entertaining is because the people they choose to be on the show are absolute simpletons. To prove my point, I've compiled a list of the best quotes I have heard said on the show since I began watching:

"Ugh, I don't know if I like the color of the dining room..." (Because, as we all know, paint is impossible to change)

"I love the granite countertops!"

"I'm concerned that the backyard is not fenced in. How will we contain the children?" (Better question, why do you WANT your children to be contained?)

"I was really hoping for a gourmet kitchen with granite countertops."

"The open floor plan is really nice!... the bedroom is nice... lots of light... that will be nice in the mornings... the bathroom looks nice... and I'd say the closet is a nice size. All in all, the house is really nice." (Lady, they're called SUPERLATIVES! Someone, get her a thesaurus, PLEASE!)

"It's a great house, but I'm concerned that the master bedroom is not on the same floor as the kids' bedrooms... that might be a deal-breaker for us." (Um, why? Get a baby monitor!)

"The laundry room is VERY small... I mean, we have TWO children! We have a family of FOUR! I'm always doing laundry!" (And it takes how long to throw a load in the washing machine and exit the room?)

"This is my kind of kitchen... stainless steel appliances AND granite countertops!"

Could someone please enlighten me on American's obsession with granite countertops?!! Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I think sparkly, cold slabs of stone take away from the coziness and warmth of a kitchen. Plus, they get all smeary when you clean them. But it seems as if every man, woman, and cocker spaniel looking for a house thinks they're the cat's ass!

The reason I bring this up is because although I'm not house hunting, I AM currently looking for a one-bedroom apartment, as my lease is up in May. In Marquette, gorgeous and accommodating as it is, affordable and lovely apartments are as just about as rare as hen's teeth. Last year, I lived in a darling, teensy one-bedroom in a delish location, but paid the price of a small child for it. I've lived in a two-bedroom for the past six months with my friend Bridget, but she's getting married this summer and alas, I'm back on the market for new digs. Why doesn't House Hunters come to Marquette and film ME apartment hunting? All they would have to do is do the work for me and present three choices that provide what falls within this short, simple list:

"Young professional looking for an apartment in the city of Marquette. Must have one bedroom, working appliances (bonus points if the stovetop has more than two burners, and is not the color olive green), and a bathtub (again, bonus points if not the color olive green). Must have plowed parking in the winter months, as I wake up too early as it is and will not be happy waking up an hour earlier to tunnel myself through snowbanks to get to work. Must be within a decent distance to work and Lake Superior. Wood-panneled walls okay, asbestos NOT okay."

Notice what IS possible to live without? Those dang granite countertops!

Dear Mr. President...

Dear Mr. Obama,

Your State of the Union address was dry as toast last night. In fact, I would rather have jumped through a meat grinder than listen to you prattle on about your ideas and what you consider our country's "handicaps." The U.S. falls 9th in the world for math and science scores? Guess what, you hosebag, we educate ALL children. I'd like to see your self-righteous, crunchy granola, liberal self get up in front of a classroom and teach kids who come to school with no winter coat, who haven't eaten in 24 hours, who don't have two parents at home, who lack the familial support to encourage them to do well and succeed. Or children who are reading three grade levels behind, haven't memorized their math facts, or have a disability/ies that may inhibit their learning. We educate them all. Mr. President? Do us all a favor and shut your pie hole about America's "lacking" education system. We do our best, and we don't suck. YOU DO.

Another thing, nice comment about how we shouldn't celebrate the winner of the Super Bowl, but rather the "winner of the science fair." You got a flipping standing ovation for that (but no one ever said members of Congress were intelligent...) What, exactly, was the intent of that comment? To touch people's emotions and make us feel all warm inside? My fifth graders could have wrote- and delivered- something more meaningful. You're talking down to us. I think it's time you bury your ego somewhere where no one can find it, start listening to the people of this fantastic country, and admit defeat at this Presidency.

Respectfully,
Emily Schmitz

P.S. No one cares that 98% of South Korea has wireless internet access. NOT RELEVANT. In fact, in regards to your speech, I'd like to file that under WTF?

... but I saved $1.00 on Cheerios!

Here's the dealio... I have a near obsession with using coupons these days. My roommate, my siblings, my friends, my co-workers, and total strangers have all made fun of me in one way or another, and I always laugh, because hello, I realize that this makes me a total nerd-bomber.

BUT! Make that a nerd-bomber who's saving TONS of money baby! So who cares? I'd rather swallow live bees than pay full price for anything like toothpaste, toothbrushes, shampoo and conditioner, or toilet paper ever again. However, I know things have made an embarrassing turn when I have multiple 10-year-olds who find my couponing fun ridiculously uncool. Case in point:

Fifth grader 1: "Ms. Schmitz, what is that?"
Me: "Duh, my coupon binder."
Fifth grader 1: "Wow... that's intense."
Fifth grader 2: "You really need a hobby."
Me: "HELLO!!!!! This IS my new hobby!!!!!!!"
Fifth grader 2: "Ever heard of sports?"

Fifth grader 3: "You mean you actually take that in the STORE?"
Me: "What's your point?"
Fifth grader 3: "Don't people look at you funny?"
Me: "Again, WHAT'S YOUR POINT?"

So sports hey? I might want to try one of those one of these days...

My Week in Review

Things I have Learned in the Last Seven Days:

1. I love Post-it notes, a lot!
2. Curling up in the fetal position on the couch and shivering under an electric blanket for 48 hours really isn't fun. However, it WAS a lot better than being in school, which leads me to my next point...
3. Kids are germy! I had the flu for two days earlier this week, and now I have a flipping cold. Even though colds are more fun, shoot, they don't warrant missing school. Which leads me to my next point...
4. Missing school and watching hours and hours of daytime TV while drinking Sprite is so fab.
5. Hulzy posted pics from Afghanistan and he looked soooo delish! (I guess that's something I already knew, I'm just re-emphasizing it).
6. Standing on a chair and shouting about how much I love (and that we should ALL love) capitalism kind of scares 10-year-olds. Maybe next time I should take a different approach?
7. How much my heart hurts and goes out to the victims' families in Tuscon, AZ.
8. Couponing = love. My nerd-bomber coupon binder = love love. Having another non-married, twenty-something-year-old friend who has her own coupon binder and loves it shamelessly like I do = love love love.
9. Winter Carnival is now officially less than a month away!
10. I like peanut butter. Okay, I already knew that too, but my brain cells are lacking, all because of the fact that I bravely (and mistakingly) decided to read the North Wind this morning. Oops!

Ben Dover

Real conversation that took place today at school:

Student: "Miss Schmitz, I can't think of any creative names to use for my Social Studies essay."
Me: "Use your imagination!"
Student: "Harry Leg?"
Me: "Um, no."
Student: "Ben Dover?"
Me: "Aaaaand that would be a no."

Yep... school is back in session :)